We have been very busy at work as of late, and I have been accumulating many extra hours that I am not paid for. Usually, I do not have a problem with that - mostly, I can put those hours to good use on a day when I want to leave the office earlier. But now, for four weeks in a row, it is not possible to leave early, as we are short of staff. Instead, my boss has agreed to me coming in as late as 10 or 11 in the morning.
And this morning, I took the chance and walked to work (yes, I know. I have been writing about walking to and from work many times on here, but maybe you are not too bored with my ramblings yet).
For the first time in what feels like ages, we had rather mild temperatures of about 8 C, and there were bits of blue between the grey clouds. It was windy but, even so, a lot more pleasant to be outside than what it has been for the past weeks and months.
When I reached the fields that I need to cross in order to get to the small town where I work, I saw and heard a couple of buzzards. They were circling around each other, sometimes breaking the circle and taking a long, elegant swoop, to then take up the circular pattern again.
Their cries filled me with a longing that made my chest hurt.
A longing for what, my precious few readers might ask.
Such is the nature of The Longing that I can hardly put my finger to it; I wish I knew - because if I did, that could mean the first step towards fulfilling it.
Maybe it is the longing for adventures and travelling to places far and wide; maybe it is the longing for someone who treasures me and who is interested enough in me to keep the lines of communication open on both sides, someone with who it is not always me who needs to make the effort to stay in touch, someone who does respond to my messages and not lose interest after a certain time, someone for whom talking to me and spending time with me is not burden but joy.
You may have noticed that I am avoiding the term "love"; I simply can not imagine this - if it does exist, actually - ever coming my way.
I am far too much lacking in character for that, and possess only the most rudimentary of morals and conscience.
But friendship I value, and very highly at that.
And who knows - it may just be the longing for this winter to truly end, and spring to arrive with all its light and colours and scents, and the possibilities it seems to open up for me all of a sudden.
Blame the buzzards, anyway - they couldn't care less, and rightly so :-)
What an honest self-appraisal. And so interesting that buzzards would be the messengers of such introspection and longing. I value friendship as well, but I am all about morals and conscience. :<)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nan - it is lovely to find someone has been reading one of my older posts here and deems them worthy of a comment :-)
ReplyDeleteI've been trying over the last few weeks to gather together all the bits and pieces that we discussed about the importance of friendship and I have now read this post. I'm not sure why I didn't read it a few weeks ago. It must have been when I was away. Anyway the point of all that is that I was incredibly moved by the emotion in your words. There have been times when I might not have been able to put it into those words but I certainly have felt similar emotions.
ReplyDeleteHowever I think that I can take issue with you over your statement that you are far too much lacking in character for [love]. I think that I know what you mean and if I am correct then I can't agree. I think that we would have to discuss what we understand by morals and conscience though. I suspect that you have quite a strong moral code of your own (as do I) but I also suspect that it may not be a conventional one dictated by religion (neither is mine).
We both agree, though, on the importance of friendship.
So much to discuss. So little time.
Indeed, Graham, indeed! But isn't it a fascinating topic? Not everyone will be comfortable with it, just as I would probably not comfortable to discuss such personal matters with just about anyone face to face, but somehow it seems easier when I can put my thoughts in written form. I am glad that my post struck a chord with you, it shows me that I was actually able to convey what I meant to say, which is not always the case.
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