Saturday, 24 October 2009

It's just some chemicals

That is what I am telling myself when, as it happens occasionally, I feel sadness trying to overwhelm me: it's just some chemicals in your brain reacting in a certain way.

I am neither really invisible, even though I get that impression from time to time from the non-existent reaction of others, nor is anyone deliberately snubbing me.

When will I finally get the message, I wonder?
What else does it take for me to accept that I will never really matter?

It is a sobering thought, but the simple truth: everyone is replaceable, and easily, too.

Unless you are the only person who can sing a certain song in a certain way, play that instrument, dance so divinely, or safe someone's life because you are the only person around to know that specific method of brain or heart surgery.

And also unless you are the beloved child, parent, partner or spouse of someone whose life would change forever if anything happened to you.

But, essentially, it is just a chemical reaction in my brain, the result of which manifests itself to me as feeling snubbed at first, and sad later.

Sometimes I wish I could just get angry, and literally drive the anger out of my system by physical activity, but regardless of how often I have tried already, I manage to outrun said sadness only very rarely.

There is good news though, too: the sad periods are a lot rarer now than, say, a year ago.

Chemically speaking, I seem to be more balanced these days.

Hopefully, balanced does not equal boring.


  1. Ah meine liebe Schwester! Sorry that I missed your comments but nonetheless thank you for taking the time to leave one.

    Hope you have been doing well, and I am sure everything will be taken care of :) I wanted to tell you about the cat whose piccy you sent the other day? Goodness gracious, it looks exactly the same as the one that adopts my grandfather. And she has been a resident for 5 years already!

    The best part was, get this, she only "talks" to and follows me around only when she and I are the only ones around. Not sure how she could figure that out -- that I "understand" her. But then cats are smart creatures and they can tell.

    Until then, you take care and I speak to you soon x

  2. Oh yes, cats are smart - if they want to be :-) On other occasions, they can be as daft as they come. I am very glad to have mine here, it does make a difference to come home from work and not find the flat now totally empty and lifeless.