Wednesday 15 February 2012

Flowers For Mary

Flowers can not alleviate pain and grief, but they show the recipient that there are people who care about them, who are thinking of them and want to make a kind gesture when life is being very unkind.
When, a bit more than two years ago, my husband died completely out of the blue a few days after his 41st birthday, my mother-in-law sent me very beautiful flowers. They lasted for a long time and reminded me of her kindness every time I looked at them.

Last night, while I was in the car with my colleague, driving home after a day working at a fair, a text message from one of my sisters-in-law came through: Paul, Steve's older brother, was found dead in his home. By the looks of it, he slipped in the bath and banged his head. He was 53 or 54.

Now Mary has lost two of her four children. Only her two daughters remain, my sisters-in-law who I like very much. I have never met my father-in-law; he died before turning 50, when Steve was 12 years old. Looks like the men in this family are not getting old... But each time, the causes were very different: Mary's husband died of Legionaire's Desease; Steve died because his heart simply stopped beating with no former heart problems known, and Paul... I do not know all the details yet, but from what Angela wrote in last night's message, it did not come as a surprise but still was a shock. The reason why it did not come as a surprise is that Paul was an alcoholic*, and when I saw him last, he looked like a very old man, bony knees and shaking hands, his face deeply lined, although he was only in his mid-forties then.

Jack, Paul's son, has turned 18 a week or so ago. When he was about ten, things with his dad became so bad he did not want to spend weekends there for a while (he lives with his mother after they were divorced). While Paul (from what we know) never hurt his son, he could not bear to be near him when he was drinking. It must have been very scary sometimes, and apparently, he once asked his mum whether he could say something at his dad's funeral when he'd die. My hope is that Jack will never take the direction his father took.

I can not begin to imagine how Mary must be feeling. Earlier this afternoon, I had flowers sent to her through an internet florist's, wanting to do something for her as she did for me two years ago.

The picture is one I nicked from the florist's website; this is what the flowers are supposed to look like.

*and so was Steve, but he was what is called a binge alcoholic; sometimes he would go without for half a year or even longer, and then he'd spend a whole weekend drinking until he'd pass out on the settee. During the last few years of his life, he had his ups and downs, but he was getting better at fighting the battle, and for months before his death he had not had a single drop.

31 comments:

  1. How very sad Meike. Sometimes we have to remember to count our blessings.

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    1. Indeed, Maggie. I learnt a lot in that area two years ago; Steve's death really put things into perspective for me, and thankfully, that "knowledge" was not forgotten after a few weeks.

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  2. I am so sorry to hear this.......My husband was very ill for years and died at the too young age of 62. I know Steve and Paul were much younger, but Paul and I planned to share our lives for a long long time more than we were able. And I was very sustained and supported and comforted by the kindness of family and friends. It means a lot. My heart goes out to Mary (And all in her family). I know your flowers will be a comfort to her.

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    1. Yes, Kristi, there is no overestimating the value of family and friends. Had it not been for them, I don't know how I would have coped, and I am glad Mary has one of her daughters, son-in-law and granddaughter nearby.

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  3. I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family

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  4. I, too, am sorry for your family's loss. Despite their transience I think that flowers can convey a message in so many situations and I send them often and (despite being a man) I always enjoy and appreciate it when people give or send them to me.

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    1. Yes, GB; the flowers may have died long ago, but as my post shows, we can still remember the ones we were given years ago, and remember the kindness behind them.

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  5. Das ist wirklich traurig ...
    Naja, vielleicht wollte "Gott" es so ... Wobei ich langsam den Glauben an Gott verliere - kaum bin ich die Gehhilfen los, ist mein Fuß wieder gebrochen (genau der selbe Knochen) - und das auf einer Konfirmandenfahrt! - Ich weiß, das tut jetzt nichts zur Sache. Aber Unglück scheint dem Glück überlegen zu sein. Ich hoffe für Mary, das nach dem vielen Pech mal wieder großes Glück auf sie wartet.

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    1. Danke Mella, ich hoffe für Mary vor allem, dass dieser neue Schlag sie nicht vollends verbittern lässt. Gott hat hiermit sicherlich nichts zu tun.
      Für deinen Fuß wünsche ich gute Besserung! Vielleicht brauchst du eine spezielle Therapie, damit der Knochen nicht immer wieder an der gleichen Stelle bricht.

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    2. Danke dir.
      Ich weiß nicht, die Ärzte meinten er habe sich wahrscheinlich wieder gebrochen, da Bindehaaut zwischen der Bruchstelle war, naja, ziemlich kompliziert zu erklären - aber das Leben geht weiter ;)

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  6. The flowers you have chosen are beautiful, I am sure she will appreciate them.
    So sorry for another loss for your husband's family (which is still your family.)
    What a shock for you all.
    Sorry, I never know the right thing to say...just know that I am thinking of you all
    Love,
    Kay

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    1. Kay, there is no "right thing to say" - nothing one can say or write in such a dituation really changes anything, it does not matter WHAT is said or written, but THAT something is said or written is what matters.

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  7. I can't imagine what your mother in law is going through. The flowers are lovely though - and they do help. I still have flowers (dried) from a bouquet sent to me after he died.

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    1. Thank you, Macy. You, more than many other people, know what grief is.

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  8. Meike, this is such sad, troubling news. Yes, the flowers will be a tangible getsture of your reaching out in this terrible time for your mother in law.
    Once when I was a young girl in the hospital a friend of my parents sent me two dozen yellow roses. Glorious, and they cheered me so. And every time I think of that couple I think then of their generosity. It was like brining sunshine into that hospital room. Wishing all strength in the coming days and months.
    xxx
    julie

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    1. Thank you, Julie. Yellow roses are my favourites! Wonderful of your parents' friend to have sent them to you, and I can easily understand why you still remember them many years later!

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  9. i would like to send you a virtual bunch of flowers for this time meike, as am sure this will bring back many feelings of when your husband passed away as its still so recent.
    i've only recently found your blog and find your comments and reviews very interesting
    best wishes
    penny x

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    1. It does indeed bring some stuff back to the surface, Penny, but I am alright; it is Mary and Paul's sisters and his son I am most worried about. Thank you for your kind comment about my blog!

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  10. Very sad, Meike. You and Mary and her family have my sympathy. Sometimes a particular bunch of flowers is remembered long after it has been sent.

    Take care,
    Best wishes
    John

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    1. Thank you, John. Yes, it is good to know that people do remember a gift as temporary as a bunch of flowers. It goes to show that we do, after all, really value the spirit in which something was given more than the actual gift itself.

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  11. My best friend recently lost her second child and I often wonder at night before going to sleep how she can manage to continue her life. I'm glad you sent your mother-in-law the flowers and I hope you will do something from time to time to let her know you share in her deep sorrow.

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    1. Jill, how terrible for your friend! No-one should be forced to go through that. It is amazing how and where some people manage to draw strength to get on with their lives somehow, while others are blown to bits by the merest hitch in their daily routine.

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  12. I am so very sad for Mary, and for the whole family, including you.

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    1. It is incredibly sad, Nan, isn't it. I just spoke to Mary for a bit more than an hour. She is keeping remarkably calm; I admire her for being so resilient.

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  13. I'm so sorry for Mary and your loss. I can't imagine how heavy Mary's heart must feel right now. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

    Mary

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    1. Thank you, Mary. It is amazing how she still manages to keep the ability to see the good things in her life.

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  14. Oh, I am so very sorry for this.. It is absolutely horrific for poor Mary, but also it must bring back awful memories for you too. A nightmare situation.

    It is surprising how often kind gestures like flowers can make a difference and I would hope and guess that your flowers get the message of your sympathy through to Mary.

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    1. Jenny, the flowers did indeed take my message across all the way to Yorkshire. Mary rang on Wednesday to let me know the flowers arrived, and we talked for more than an hour, which did us both good.

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