It really is Darren Humphries diary and covers one whole year, starting with the day he gets a call from his son's school because his wife has not come to pick up the boy, and he arrives home to find her dead in bed.
One reason why I wanted to read this book was that, on Nov. 5th 2009 (it was a Thursday), I came home from work and found my husband dead on the floor in our living room.
Exactly like with Darren Humphries' wife, there had been no warning signs, no known illness or anything; both his wife and my husband have, by all appearances, died very quickly and peacefully enough not to have even had time to feel pain or fear, and in both cases, the cause remains somewhat vague to this day.
It's the way everyone would like to go: with no prolonged painful illness, decaying of body and mind; instead just like that, in the blink of an eye, right out of the middle of a life we are happy with. For those left behind, it's a different story; they need to somehow cope with the effects of the death of someone so close to them, totally out of the blue, and so hard to understand.
The author describes in a highly readable way - he never presses the emotional keys he could easily press and make you cry while reading - what happens that day, the next day, and the day after that, and the weeks and months following his wife's death. He describes his own reactions, how his children deal with having lost their mother, the reactions of his relatives, colleagues, neighbours and friends. There are also the formalities to deal with, legal and financial stuff, some of which is rather complicated; sometimes the people he encounters during these procedures are kind and helpful, while at other times he gets angry and frustrated with them for good reason.
An element of the book I very much liked were the letters people wrote to Darren when learning of his wife's death. Some of these are very touching. And the concept of making the diary last for one year, completing the circle, so to speak, is very good. It covers all aspects of life after such a loss; the children's birthdays, school activities, work, holidays, Christmas and New Year, visiting relatives and so on.
At the end of the book, I still felt sad for Darren and his children, but I was also optimistic about their future. I do wish them all my best, and I think I will leave a message on his blog.
Most of us can hardly imagine anything worse than finding a loved one dead. For you it would have had a special resonance, and I am glad that you felt the book dealt with it well. I shall go and look at his blog.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could have left a message at Darren's blog - comments seem not to be activated. Maybe he does not wish to hear from people anymore, about something he has (maybe, maybe not) managed to come to terms with.
DeleteIt's hard for me to imagine not crying during the reading of such a book. I'm curious about the book. My experience with my husband's death was not similar to yours or the author's, but hard nonetheless. I won't go into details here, but a spouse's death is one of the hardest things to experience. peace be with you, dear Meike.
ReplyDeleteWhen I downloaded it, it was for free; I gather from Darren's blog that he keeps offering the ebook for free whenever possible (there are certain rules, apparently).
DeleteYes, no matter how your husband died, Norma, it will have been indredibly hard to bear for you. I sometimes wonder what's harder; to know of one's spouse's terminal illness and have a certain amount of time to "prepare" for their death, or the suddenness at which it happened in my husband's and Darren's wife's case.
How brave, to keep a diary like that. I tried, after my husband died, but just couldn't do it.
ReplyDeleteHave you read How to Talk to a Widower by Jomathan Tropper? It's wonderful.
My diary, if you like, was my blog. It is not as much a diary of events as an account of various situations and feelings at irregular intervals. There is one post called "Seven months and seven days". I wrote that on one of the worst days I had so far.
DeleteThank you for recommending How to Talk to a Widower; I am going to try and find the book. Your recommendation matters a lot to me, you know!
DeleteI wrote a one year diary after my son David died - it remains one of my unpublished books because I haven't attemoted to get it published. Some of the less sympathetic people are portrayed too accurately to shame them in public but it is remarkable how responses vary when a loved one dies. Some people are so sympathetic and helpful. Others not so.
ReplyDeleteI found that keeping the doiary was very helpful and would recommend it as a response though, as Frances points out, it casn be just too difficult.
Losing a child must be the hardest thing, much harder than losing a spouse or sibling or parent. I am glad you found some things, like the diary, and some people to be helpful.
DeleteAs you point out, the first year after a loss like that is likely to be the worst to get through. Finding new ways to deal with all the various celebrations and traditions etc. Diary or blog, keeping some kind of record of it can be a good thing. For me it's been a bit like that with the deaths of my parents (I started blogging a few months before my mum died). Not the same as losing a husband/wife or a child - but still.
ReplyDeleteYes, still, Monica. I know I am very lucky to have both my parents close by, and both in comparatively good health, but of course I can't help knowing that some day that is going to change.
DeleteDear Meike,
ReplyDeleteThis is a book that I would very much like to read. I am glad that he shared his story and also included the letters that people wrote to him.
I read your comment above, Meike and I am wondering if you could write a letter and mail it to his publisher. Perhaps they could forward it to him. It's worth a try.
I wonder if you would not like to write a book about grief yourself. Just a thought...
Dear Kay,
DeleteI remember you suggesting the book-idea to me some time ago; I love writing and I know it helps me to remain mentally balanced (more or less!!!), but I just can't imagine me knuckling down long enough to write an entire book.
Yes, you'd probably like this book. It's so unpretentious and so real - because what happened is, sadly, a real story told by the person who experienced it.
That is why I love non fiction books, they are real stories about real people!
DeleteNow, you might not know this about me, but the one outstanding gift of my life is recognizing the talents of others. You might not ever choose to write a book, but I truly think that you should do so!
And I had to chuckle at your choice of words as my sister Pam was a cheerleader in high school (HEAD cheerleader, I might add, on top of being the President of her class) and she had a cheer that I loved to hear:
ALL YOU GOTTA DO
IS PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.
BUCKLE DOWN, BUCKLE DOWN.
DO IT, DO IT, DO IT.
(Yes, I know the cheer is buckle down, not knuckle down, but it is close enough, and the meaning is the same!)
You believing that I could write a book is very flattering, Kay!
DeleteThat's a funny story about your sister's cheer :-)
So many people have such experiences. It is good that someone has written a good book about his experiences. My husband died of Alzheimer's - but after a long and difficult illness. However, when I was in kindergarten my first adopted father died from one half hour to the next of a heart attack in the night. It is still very difficult to talk about, but I didn't think for years and years how this must have affected my mother who was only 35. When this happened, the social attitude was completely of the stiff-upper-lip, let=s get on with life, and children are so resilient nothing will affect them for long. I am so glad that people have more insight now, though not nearly what is needed.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing about this book, Meike.
Kristi, I am sorry that you've had to undergo the traumatic experience of losing someone so close to you more than once.
DeleteYes, on a general level, society is a bit "better" now in dealing with grief, but there's still lots to learn and many a taboo to break.
Not long ago, a former class mate told me, all exasperated, how her mother-in-law had sorted out her husband's things and given most of it away only days after his death; she found that very wrong. I tried to explain to her that there is no "right" or "wrong" when it comes to grief; everyone has a different approach, there is no neatly outlined process one can follow step by step (although there are often similarities). Not sure she understood me.