She turned round a few times and looked at me and the others who, like me, were using the cash machines. After one more look at me - I had finished by now and was about to leave - she approached me, a bank card in her outstretched hand, and asked in broken German "Bitte helfen?" ("Please help?").
In a mix of English and German, we established that she wanted to draw cash from her account and didn't know how to operate the machines, and so I showed her what to do.
When the choice of amount to withdraw came up, the smallest sum on the menu was 25 €. She pressed that button, and a message popped up, saying that there weren't enough funds on the account; the maximum amount possible was 20 €.
I told her what the message said, and she nodded and pressed "confirm" in order to get the 20 €. She smiled and nodded some more and repeated "Danke, dankeschön!" a few times. I smiled back and left.
And began to feel uneasy. An inner voice told me to turn round again and give the poor woman some of the cash I had just withdrawn. A second inner voice warned me that I had no idea how she would react - would she be offended, because she had so clearly not been begging for money, only for help with the machine?
I must admit that cowardice won, and I left the building without doing anything more for the woman.
Walking home, I reflected at how different our lives were - certainly not only in terms of money, but probably under every aspect imaginable.
When I had been getting cash from the machine minutes before her, of course I had been offered the same choice of amounts to take out. My decision was only based on my general dislike of carrying much cash around, not on limited funds.
I had been buying stuff in town without thinking much about their price - she most likely had to be very careful with those 20 €, to make them stretch as far as possible.
I am not rich, but I am not poor, either. It is safe to say that I am working middle-class; I have a job that I like and which pays reasonably well. Nearly half of what I earn goes off as taxes and to "the State" in its various functions. I live in my own flat (still largely owned by the bank, of course, but eventually, it will be properly mine). When I feel like it, I can buy myself stuff that I don't really need, simply because I like it. And as for the things I need, such as food, electricity and heating, I can pay for them without having to sacrifice anything else. If I were so inclined, I could travel more than the one Yorkshire holiday I go on every year. Yes, I am comfortably well-off - it hasn't always been so, and I feel very grateful for not living as precariously close to the limits of my personal finances anymore.
So, a 20-€-note would not have hurt me. Would it have hurt her? Proably not. I am a coward sometimes.
That's a tough one. Your analysis of the likely differences is probably bang-on - and you have to ask yourself how far 20 Euros go in a supermarket. But I think you did the right thing. There is so much tragedy in the world, I suspect none of it of your making. The refugee crisis is horrendous - particularly with regard to Syria - and I personally believe we in the West have made it worse. But you can't bail everyone out. At least she met a kind woman who, by helping, made her feel welcome in a place that is strange to her.
ReplyDeleteWhere I think I went wrong, too, was in speaking more English than German to her. German will be much more important for her if she wants (and is allowed) to stay here. But English seemed to be the easier option.
DeleteWith 20 Euros, you can actually get quite a lot of food at Aldi's, and not bad food at that. When I do my weekly groceries shopping there, I often pay somewhere around 20 Euros (sometimes less) and leave with a big shoppng bag full of fresh veg, fruit, and basics such as flour, oil, milk and cheese - plus the odd choccy.
I understand the mixed feelings that made you hesitate to give the woman money. At least you take the time to see another's need and to have empathy for them. And I think it's good for us all to stop and reflect on all we have to be thankful for now and again.
ReplyDeleteGratitude is a feeling that dominates most of my days, Jennifer. I know I have been and still am very, very lucky - to live where I live, have the job I have, and the family and friends I have. Just being able to turn on the hot water in the shower every morning, or waking up in my own comfortable bed; basic things like that I am very much conscious of and do not take them for granted.
DeleteI think about those very same luxuries almost every day, Meike. That must be why I feel such an affinity for you and your blog :) I'm almost never dissatisfied with the material things I have, no matter how modest they may be. As the vast majority of humanity (past and present) goes, I hit the jackpot when I was born.
DeleteI'm certain she was very grateful that you took the time to help her. Very sad always to see how some people really have to struggle, probably never able to 'make ends meet' and live so close to the edge of poverty. I just hope she doesn't have children who are hungry - that is always terrible.
ReplyDeleteSadly we cannot help everyone - I think you did an admirable thing by taking time and showing you cared. Yes, we should all count our blessings every single day.
Have a good weekend.
Thank you, Mary, you too!
DeleteShe was on her own, no children around, but if she has them and they are here with her, they won't be going hungry. People who can not provide for themselves (for instance, because they do not have permission to work until their status is clear) here in Germany are certainly not living in luxury, but materially, they are given what they need to provide for themselves and their children.
No, we can't help everyone, and I am not even helping one single person on a regular basis. I regularly give money only to two charities for animal welfare, one in my region and one that operates nation-wide. Worst of all, I don't even have a bad conscience because of that.
That was good you helped her in a friendly manner. Your taxes are probably helping her with housing, medical care, food, etc. so in that way you are helping her financially.
ReplyDeleteTerra, you are right. Part of the 40+% going off my salary to the State are used to help people who can not provide for themselves. So, in an indirect way, me working for my own upkeep supports her.
DeleteI want to say, don't be too harsh in judging yourself...I am pretty sure you do some things to help people who need help, and you were kind and helpful to this woman. It's very tricky because we all want to help but no one can solve all the problems of the world, nor even the problems of people we personally encounter. We do what we can and cultivate loving kindness. You are not a coward.
ReplyDeleteYou are very kind, Kristi, but I don't think I am judging myself too harshly - just being realistic. Yes, I do some things that are not for my own benefit, such as doing volunteer for a charity twice a year (at the Christmas market and a Fair Trade fair), but that's all without leaving my own comfort zone. Hence the cowardice.
DeleteI'm sure the woman appreciated your assistance, regardless. Redistribution of wealth always sounds very democratic and moral, but kind words and concern can often be appreciated even more.
ReplyDeleteShe was very polite and friendly, all smiles, so I do think she appreciated my help. But in hindsight, I should have spoken German to her, not gone for the easier way and speak English.
DeleteI think you were very kind to even help her, I think most people would have pretended to have not understood her.
ReplyDeleteInteresting story from here...a woman was standing in line at an Aldi store and the man in front of her was short by $7.00. She offered to pay this for the gentleman and he was most grateful. She had on a Piedmont Hospital T-shirt and he later donated thousands of dollars to the hospital! And not only that, but the Aldi Food Store Corporation MATCHED the dollar amount to the hospital! I thought that was a great story, just that one little kindness from the lady developed into that.
I am like you, Meike, I would have wondered LATER if I should have given her the difference in the money but most likely would not have thought of it at the time.
And like the comment above, I think your kindness in helping her meant more than you could know.
That Aldi story is great, Kay! I sometimes see refugees shop at "my" Aldi store, they usually have a kind of coupon they get at their quarters.
DeleteI must admit I am very careful about helping people, because some are not what they seem - they only use the "help me" approach to pickpocket or some other trick. And when it is a man, I am extra careful, because friendliness from a woman often gets misinterpreted.
I try to help through organizations rather than individuals, I never know who really needs help.
ReplyDeleteIf you can be sure about the organization, then that's a very good approach. The charity I do volunteer work for twice a year is one I trust; I know some of the people involved in its administration and so I think I can rely on the money to get to the right place and the right people.
DeleteYou're not a coward, Meike. You're a very kind and thoughtful person. I face the same dilemma sometimes. There are beggars on the street corners. Do I give that homeless person a couple of dollars? Or is he a fraud, just out for what he can get? If he sees that I have any money at all, am I opening myself up to crime? Does a kind word or a dollar or two brighten his day, or just perpetuate the problem? Yet I can't bring myself to say, as Scrooge did in Dickens' Christmas Carol, "Are there no poor farms or workhouses for these people?" Yet, if a cup of Starbucks coffee costs $4.95, and I give a homeless person my last $5 bill, am I really helping him? On the other hand, who am I hurting? Certainly not myself, because like you, though I am not rich, neither am I poor, and I'd rather help him even if he turns out to be a fraud, than ignore the problem totally. Moral decisions are never easy! Love & hugs to you, xoxox
ReplyDeleteThank you, Carol. Your reflections pretty much mirror what goes through my mind nearly every time I see a homeless person in the streets here.
DeleteI also know, though, that there are organized gangs of beggars with bosses who take all the money from them. They are easily enough to spot, though, and I never give them any money.
I think you did exactly the right thing - you filled the need that was presented in the moment. There may come a time when money will fill the need, and you'll know that moment. I'm glad to read that you recognised that the woman needed help and that you gave a vibe that let her know 'this person will be helpful'.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I did the right thing there and then. At least I hope so!
DeleteIt is difficult to add anything useful to the comments that have been made but I do rather feel that if I'd thought it through I would have liked to have made Pondside's comment.
ReplyDeleteYour comment is just as valuable to me, Graham, and I am not surprised that you echo Pondside's very kind and sensible words.
DeleteI think you did the right thing Meike. She was able to draw money out and maybe she only needed the 20e. We shouldn't judge people by how they look, even though I confess to doing that. You helped her and should feel good about that.
ReplyDeleteYou are of course right about not judging people by their looks. It was highly unlikely in that case, though, that the lady was not poor and not a refugee.
DeleteI had another encounter last night on the train home from a weekend visit to a friend; this time, it was about the trains and stops, and I was glad I could help. The man was drunk (very much smelling of alcohol), spoke little English and even less German. He told me he was from Montenegro and his name was Denny. His wife and kids were also in Germany but they'd arrived later and had been assigned to a place in a town 100 km from where he was. He'd just been spending the weekend with them but was forced to go back to his quarters in Stuttgart, because until a person seeking asylum does not have clear status in Germany, they do not have permission (or possibility) to find a flat and choose where they want to live.
I'm not very good with people who are drunk. That's when my sympathy runs out. So well done for helping.
DeleteThank you for commenting on my blog!
ReplyDeleteYesterday a guy stopped me to ask for my help, but I quickly dismissed him cause I couldn't listen, I was on my way to work. As I continued to leave I felt so bad cause I don't know what he needed. Maybe I could have helped him. I dislike the fact that I missed an opportunity to help someone. We can't help everyone but we can help someone at least once a day. I don't wanna live for myself and my needs.
You're welcome, Cindy! I find your blog very interesting and thought-provoking.
DeleteIt is understandable that you did not stop on your way to work, but it is also understandable that you felt bad afterwards - I would have probably done (and felt!) the same.
I must admit that I am always extra careful when a man approaches me for help. Does he really want help, or is it a trick? Will being kind and polite be misinterpreted?
I am sure she appreciated your kindness at whatever level you offered. I would have to be in a benevolent mood to do more and sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't.
ReplyDeleteFrom her smile and the look in her eyes, I think she appreciated the little help I gave her, too. Not offering her any money had less to do with being benevolent and more with being afraid of offending.
DeleteBelated HAPPY BIRTHDAY greetings - for yesterday. To me you are still a young lass Meike! I hope it was a nice day.
ReplyDeleteI have just read the post above. It does pose an intriguing moral dilemma. Meeting her was a random moment of chance. You showed kindness in helping her and perhaps if you see her again you can press twenty euros into her hand but it's for her not for you.
DeleteThank you, Neil! It was a great day and an even greater evening, throwing my traditional cocktail party. Pictures will follow :-)
DeleteMy sister and I talked about the incident today and both agreed that it's not always easy to know when and how to do the right thing.
Very interesting post. Kindness was shown, that's what our humanity is all about. Money is great but there is nothing as sweet as human kindness. I feel I have too much in so many ways, and try to give when I can but it all seems so out of whack. how lucky we are Meike!
ReplyDeleteWe are indeed, Julie, aren't we!
Deletenice
ReplyDeleteWell, thank you - although I am not quite sure how exactly "nice" fits this post.
Delete